Dating while Parenting...?

"When a single mom goes out on a date with somebody new, it always winds up feeling more like a job interview"


I had what I thought was a good thing going with a guy once, until I told him I had a child. Now I know what you're thinking..why didn't I tell him at the beginning? Well, because I wanted him to get to know me, me as a person, not just me as a mom. He really seemed to like me, the me without "baggage". I guess just not enough to like me as a package deal. And honestly, that's fine with me. Because that's how we figure out who is worth it, right?  Us single moms have to realize that some guys just don't want that. Some guys just don't want to deal with a woman who has a child. And that is perfectly understandable. We need to be sure not to get mad at those guys. We just need to find the ones that don't mind and who look past it, and then find the one guy. The one guy who is worth it. Now this is something I battle with. Now let me start by saying that I don't think of myself as being anything special. Never have and probably never will. But for some reason, I tend to find myself in situations where the guy I am seeing/talking to is more invested in me than I am in him. Prior to my son, it was probably the other way around, maybe not. I don't really know. I have always had "issues" with the opposite sex. So now I find myself once again having an issue. I'm starting to realize that maybe once things start to get a bit more serious, I start to back away. And then I look like a bitch, like I was leading them on or something. But that really isn't the case, despite what it may look like from the outside. I think I tend to fall easy, but then maybe I start to realize it isn't what I really want? I mean, that must be it, right? Because if it was what I really wanted I wouldn't start to back away, right? I have also realized that I start to get annoyed easily by them and then that makes it easier I guess to start to back away. Lets get back to my main purpose of this post, sorry for drifting!
Being a mother is a tough job. Being a single one can be a little bit tougher. Now I have had my experience with two different types of guys..one being the one who didn't want anything to do with me as a mom..and the other who it didn't phase and wanted to pretty much dive in head first. The latter has a child too, btw. Is it weird that it makes me more uncomfortable for someone to be so comfortable with the idea of me being a mom than it does when they are a little sceptical of getting involved? Probably a little strange. Because most moms probably wouldn't want to deal with that scepticism. But I am very protective of my son and I guess protective of us as a package. My son has a father and I am not looking for someone to replace him. At the same time, I would obviously want my son to have a good connection with the man I am seeing. Ideally I wouldn't want my son even around a guy until I know for sure it is serious, but it is pretty hard for me to get out without my son. I don't like to "pawn him off" to anyone and I only have a few people who I am comfortable leaving him with. I also feel guilty going out without him because I feel like whatever I am doing is not as important as being with him. So how do I even date? Sometimes, actually a lot lately, I think I would be pretty content with it just being me and my son. Like I love the idea of me getting my own house (one day!) and it just being me and him. And just remaining close with my family and friends. Does that make me weird? a loser in any way? Recently when I made the statement that I don't mind being alone, my mother replied by saying that that isn't normal for someone my age (just about 29). That someone my age should want that companionship, that closeness. Ugh I just ..kinda..don't. I want the best for my son, obviously, and I want him to have male role models. But he has pretty great males in my family and his dads family to kinda guide him. Sure, they all have their flaws and have made their mistakes but don't we all? Now one thing I do want is for him to see a good man love his mother and to see how to treat a woman. I think that is very important. But..tell me if I am crazy..would it be enough for him to see me and his father be able to have a good relationship and be able to respect each other and coparent well without us being together? I just don't know. So many kids come from broken homes and turn out fine. I mean, at least I think so. I guess I just don't know what to do. Try to date? Not focus on dating? I mean, they say the best things seem to come to you when aren't looking for them. If only we could see the future.


                                      *Don't let anyone take your smile away*

Fresh Start?

New year, new me, right?  People are always talking about starting fresh and make all these resolutions. In the past I've always thought it was kinda a joke. I mean, lets be serious..how many people actually keep their resolutions? Sure, its easy for a week or two,  maybe even a month or two. But then most fall back into their old habits. Because it's what they know, it's who they are. Well this year, I've decided to do just that. I've decided to not only find out who I am and find out what it is that I truly know, but I have also decided to do things for myself and my son. Sounds selfish, right? I'm sure you thought so until you read "and my son". Sure, I've been called selfish a time or two but when it comes to not material things, is that really a bad thing? I'm talking about taking the time to find out who I am and what I can do, I'm talking about focusing on the POSITIVE relationships that I have with close friends and family, I'm talking about becoming a better person not only for myself but for my one true love, (well my one true love that will always be there no matter what..but we'll get into that another time..maybe) my son. I have always felt like I've spent my life living for someone else. Whether it was for a guy, a job, my parents..doesn't matter, but never really for myself; although sometimes it may not have seemed that way. I have always had a great support system, even through all of the mistakes and bad decisions on my part. I have always cared way too much about what people think of me, what they will say, what they will believe. It really hasn't gotten me very far. And now, I guess I just don't really care. If everyone lived their lives that way, which I'm sure a lot of people do, where would they be? How far would they get? We grow up listening to each and every word our parents say, may stray here and there and test the waters, but for the most part most of us are guided by our parents. I mean, its a great thing. They have more experience, more knowledge, our best interests at heart. But at what point are we really ready to do our own thing? to live our lives the way that we want?

I am ready now, this year, 2015, to start doing things that will make me happy and help me grow. Now being a single stay at home mother that isn't really easy. We can't really go for a promotion at our job. But we can focus on being healthier inside and out, focus on relationships, maybe some schooling, and if we are lucky maybe some money saving. I know one thing that has to go for sure though and that's negativity. I can't deal with that anymore. of course there will always be some here and there, but anything or anyone toxic has got to go. Some people let is consume them and we all know misery loves company. Not me. I won't let it. I've always prided myself on being a happy (for the most part), positive, always smiling type of girl. These past few years have taken a toll on me and its been hard to be that girl, but I need to be. I need to figure out how to be, again.

So, I am excited to get this year started! Excited to get this blog started! I'll definitely cover the past a bit because lets be serious, the past is what got us all where we are, right? But I'm looking forward to bringing you all on this years journey with me!


                                       *Don't let anyone take your smile away*